


Anemone

by yuichi



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Amnesia, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, How Do I Tag, M/M, Making Out, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sexual Content, Smoking, Suicide Attempt, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:01:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23910505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuichi/pseuds/yuichi
Summary: In which Ten is a mess and learns to feel again.“God, I wish you could love us again as much as we love you.”
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Jeno, Lee Jeno/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten
Comments: 22
Kudos: 58





	1. Chapter 1

_I._

Ten had his first heartbreak when he was five. Momma had just bought him his favourite ice cream flavour – strawberry and banana with chocolate on top – when he accidentally tipped the cone too much. The pink and yellow hues lay splattered across the sidewalk. The only remaining part was the empty cone in his tiny hand. He didn’t cry. His momma had pressed a kiss to his forehead and told him they’d get new ice cream next time. He never took those two flavours again.

His second heartbreak happened when he was eight. He went on a walk with his momma and papa and his dog Casper. His parents had been fighting while he was playing in a pile of dry leaves. Casper barked persistently. Until his barks were replaced by a loud cry and an even louder _thump_. When he looked from the leaves to his dog, he saw him lying lifelessly on the road, thick blood oozing from his head. That night he cried silently under the blankets of his room.

When he was eleven, his parents divorced. He stayed to live with his momma while papa had left hand in hand with some strange woman. It didn’t hit him until a month had passed. He’d kept asking momma when papa would return from work. She tried to explain he wouldn’t, but he kept shaking his head and promising her he would. Realisation struck when momma’s cries woke him in the middle of the night. He tip-toed to her room and saw her hugging the pillow his father used to sleep on. He climbed into her bed that night and hugged her. She said nothing.

At thirteen he’d lost his best friend. She’d found some new friends to hang out with and began to ignore him. At first, he was confused. Then he broke into tears in the middle of the class. Momma had to pick him up from school. Only after he had three slices of pizza did he calm down. The teasing never stopped after that.

At sixteen, he had his first kiss. It was with a boy he met on a summer break. They’d been inseparable and he was convinced he was in love. But the summer ended, and the boy never answered any of his messages. Ten wanted to die. He’d already taken a knife from the kitchen, ready to cut his wrists like he’d seen in the movies. But as he pressed the cool metal against his wrist, his hands started shaking. He dropped the knife and cried instead.

His momma had passed away when he was twenty. His father never showed up at the funeral, never called to check up on him. He moved to a small apartment after, selling his home and everything he didn’t need. It was cramped, but Ten didn’t spend much time inside. He was too busy balancing university and part-time jobs.

At twenty-four, Ten lost all will for life. He’s got no one. He thought he has friends, but they only come to him when they need help. No one ever asked him how he feels. His love life is even less existent. After his crush years back, he’d never allowed himself to feel anything remotely similar. 

During weekends, he works from dawn to dusk at a local restaurant. On good days, he’s serving customers. On bad days, he’s stuck by the sink, washing piles of dirty plates and glasses. Then again, he prefers it over interacting with others. His fingers tremble when he holds the note, avoiding to lock eyes at any cost. He takes the scolds to his heart. Compliments only give him a brief feeling of accomplishment, evaporating the moment he walks out of the place.

During the week, he sits in the rooms full of people he thinks are his acquittances. He takes notes, albeit half-heartedly, and scurries away before anyone can talk to him.

It’s become a habit of a sort. Avoiding people. Avoiding communication.

Sometimes, when he feels adventurous, Ten skips a class or two to visit the beach. It’s always sunny, waves are always crashing against the rocks and people are always chatting. The mundanity of it all gives him a feeling of comfort. Yet it quickly shifts around and makes him feel miserable. The love and hate relationship he has with the world is sitting on his shoulders, suffocating him with unwanted affection.

Other times, he locks himself up in the apartment. Those days pass by with him sprawled across the bed and finger pointing at the ceiling. There’s no purpose in it, there’s no use of it. He doesn’t come out recharged or energized. He comes out the same. With same clothes, same haircut and same feeling in the chest.

There are moments, though, when he feels such happiness it borders with crime. He smiles and laughs and it booms through what Ten thinks is the whole city. His chest swells with joy, daily struggles swiped under the carpet and ignored. At least for a little while. It’s in those moments that Ten feels like he could do _anything_. He could finish college, get an amazing job, find the love of his life, a best friend, get another dog and build a garden. But the moment he lies down, blankets warming up his forever-cold frame, all the worries of the world come crawling back. They slip underneath the covers and his kitten printed pyjamas. They creep under his skin and tug on his heart and mind.

It’s the moments when he’s the happiest that he feels most dejected.

But it all comes down to repeating the same process every day. It all comes down to surviving and hoping for the best. Because Ten doesn’t have dreams. He doesn’t have glorious plans for the future. When he thinks about it, all he sees is blankness. Nothing. Not even a spark of light to reassure him everything will be alright.

He buys a pack of cigarettes one day. It’s not that he smokes, nor that he finds anything fun about it. It’s just something he’s always wanted to try, whatever the reason may be. So he googles how to light up a cigarette when he comes home.

The cool air of the night hits him in the face the moment the roof door open. He can see the city lights in the distance, looking so warm and welcoming. But Ten knows it’s anything but. Life is full of hatred and disappointments.

He walks until he finds a nice-looking spot on the edge. The street under him is dark when he leans over. A thought of just ending it all crosses his mind. But as easy as it is, Ten is too big of a coward to actually do it. Instead, he takes out a cigarette and lights it up, orange flame flickering in the night.

The first drag almost kills him. It leaves him wheezing for oxygen, slapping his chest repeatedly as tears brim behind closed eyelids. He regrets his decisions. He regrets not taking a bottle of fucking water even more.

He’s no quitter, though. At least not tonight. Hence another drag. And another. It doesn’t do him any good, he’s perfectly aware of it. All it does is look cool as it engulfs his lungs in a suffocating embrace.

By the time he’s almost done with it, he sees movement from the corner of his eye. He twists his head in its direction, flicking the butt of the cigarette like he’s seen in the movies. As his eyes adjust to the lack of light in the direction, he spots a trembling figure clinging to the wrong side of the railing.

The first thing that comes to his mind is to scream. The second thing is to pretend he’d seen shit. Yet, he chooses a third option. He stays in his spot and watches the person.

Faint sobs break the silence of the night. Small whimpers accompanied with wiping the tears away with a sleeve of their jacket. And then, they slip. The misstep is followed by a desperate cry as they grip onto the railing. It’s clear to Ten this isn’t something they want.

Silently, he walks over to the person in distress. Without a word, he offers his hand. The stranger, a boy he discovers, reaches for it gingerly. Ten helps him step over the railing and back to the safety. His hands are clammy, heart racing so wild Ten can hear it through his gasps.

“Want a smoke?” It’s a dumb question, but he honestly has no idea what else to ask. He doesn’t know the boy, he doesn’t want to intrude.

The boy looks at him, confusion in his glossy eyes. He doesn’t say anything, response coming in the form of a nod.

Ten hands him a cigarette and lights it up for him. The boy coughs, much the same how he reacted minutes earlier. Ten pats his back lightly, observing the trembling hand bringing back the smoke to his lips. He takes another suck, a frantic one as his cheeks hollow and lips curl around, forming a perfect ‘O’.

The smoke is handed back. Without thinking, Ten brings it to his lips and sucks back. It tastes better than the first one.

They remain silent until the cigarette is gone. Ten flicks it dramatically over the railing. The boy turns to him. He stares into Ten for a moment which seems like an eternity. His hair is blond, eyes a warm shade of chocolate brown, a small mole in the corner of his right eye.

Then his lips are on Ten’s. It’s quick and sweet in its own way. Yet Ten is panicking, unsure of what is happening. The kiss is soon replaced with a hug. The stranger presses his face in the crook of Ten’s neck, sobs escaping him.

He stands there, a pack of cigarettes in one hand, lighter in the other. This time the boy doesn’t pull away. Instead, he seems to be curling closer, like a kitten searching for warmth. Ten is certain he’d be on his lap had he been sitting.

Eventually, the sobs quiet down. The boy sniffs once, twice, and pulls away. He wipes the tears with his sleeve again and collapses onto the concrete under their feet. Dumbfounded, Ten remains in his petrified position. It’s only when he feels a tug on his jeans does he look down. The boy is staring up at him with such huge eyes Ten isn’t sure he’s real.

“Sit with me.” His voice is much deeper than Ten expected.

Ten sits, legs crossed and hands clasped in lap. The boy reaches for the cigarette pack, fingers brushing over Ten’s thigh. The touch makes every hair on his body stand, palms automatically opening to provide whatever he wants, whatever he needs.

He lights it up on his own this time. The smoke curls above his hair in small clouds, dispersing the moment a gush of wind blows through. Ten thinks he should’ve worn something warmer.

“I’m Jeno.” He says.

“Ten.”

“Cool name.” He smiles, eyes forming crescents.

“…thanks.”

They sit in silence. Jeno offers him a smoke, but Ten refuses. His gaze is fixated on his own lap. He feels too guilty to abandon him now.

“Can I kiss you again?” Jeno suddenly asks, putting the smoke out against the concrete.

Flabbergasted, Ten looks up at him. “Why?”

“Why not?”

Their lips meet again. Jeno tastes of cigarettes mixed with sweet candy. His tongue laps at Ten’s bottom lip, seeking entrance. Involuntarily, he parts his lips. Then Jeno is on top of him, a knee between Ten’s legs. His hand travels under Ten’s hoodie, making him shiver from both contact and coolness.

He makes Ten feel things he hasn’t felt in years. His touches make Ten imagine things he thought he locked out for good. The feeling of his tongue sliding over his makes him wrap his arms around the stranger. He pulls him close until Jeno is lying on top of him. He relishes in the warmth of another person’s body. He basks in the given attention.

Jeno’s fingers flip over his nipple and Ten moans. He arches into the touch, hooks a leg around him to keep him close.

“Jeno?”

The boy on top of him freezes. He pulls away and looks up. Although he’s never seen him in his life, Ten can’t help but admire the shape of his jawline. He can’t help but enjoy how his body feels on top of him. So he latches his lips to his neck, forgetting all the boundaries he’s ever put, destroying all the walls he’s ever built.

Jeno remains stoic, though, eyes searching through the night.

“Jeno?” The voice is deep. “Babe? Come back, I know you’re here.”

Ten feels his heart sinking. He stops with the kisses, unhooks the leg from the other and looks away. He finally feels the cold concrete under him, its ice crawling inside his mind and body. It brings self-hatred and nothing more.

“Sorry,” is all Jeno says. Then he’s off him, fixing his jacket and wiping his mouth from what Ten concludes is his own taste.

Ten remains lying on the ground for quite some time. It’s only when the tears have stopped falling, when another cigarette has been smoked does he sit up.

“Fucking idiot…”

He fixes the hoodie and gets up. His whole body trembles in rage as he crushes the cigarette pack in his palm. He sends it flying with a broken cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i'm trying out something new: a chaptered fic! lord help me... it's not going to be too long tho, five chapters tops.  
> there wasn't much dialog in this chapter cause i kind of wanted to introduce Ten and his troubled self? honestly, i never know what i'm doing haha this wasn't betaed like all my works so yeah...my apologies ladies and gents uwu
> 
> let me know what you think in the comment section!  
> thank you for reading!
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/yuichi31664032)   
>  [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/yuichi31664032)


	2. Chapter 2

_II._

It’s a thing that only happens in the movies, he tells himself through the course of the next week. He skips the classes, skips the beach, skips the work. He spends his days behind closed curtains, living of cold pizza and stale beer. It brings him no joy. It simply serves as a reminder he doesn’t deserve anything better.

Yet the kiss keeps lingering in his mind. The feeling of someone’s touch still clings to his body like second skin. So he does a thing he told himself not to do. He comes back to the rooftop with another pack of cigarettes.

Fortunately - or not, depending more on his mood swings really - the boy doesn’t show up. He finishes three cigarettes in half an hour, lining the stubs over the railing neatly. Then he flicks them onto the streets, yelping when he accidentally hits the metal instead of the stub. He buries the finger in his mouth, sucking on it and glaring at the railing at the same time. He’d kick it if he knew it wouldn’t break his toes.

“You okay there?”

Ten yelps again, almost biting the poor finger off. He turns around, glaring at the intruder. “Yes.”

A man walks over to him, small smile surrounded by dimples. “Sorry. I noticed you were smoking and I forgot my lighter… can I borrow yours?”

Ten silently hands his pink lighter to the other. The stranger’s smile only broadens as he takes it. As Ten watches him, careful not to have his favourite lighter stolen, he notices what he’s trying to light isn’t a cigarette.

“Is that pot?” He asks dumbly.

The stranger elevates an eyebrow, smirk dancing on his lips as he pulls the joint away. “Yeah.”

He nods in response, feeling as smart as a bait.

“Wanna?” The man offers, handing back the lighter.

“Is it the same as cigarette?” He asks as he stuffs the lighter in his hoodie.

“Better.”

Ten takes the joint. He places it between his lips and sucks. For what it’s worth, it tastes way better than the shit he’d been smoking. He takes another suck before returning it to its owner.

It doesn’t take long until Ten feels himself changing. The cool air around him feels warmer, the clothes on him too much. He tugs on the hoodie, frowning and wondering why it can’t stay still.

“Did it kick in?” The man asks, all smiles.

“Did what kick in?” Ten feels a bit feisty.

“The pot.”

“I don’t know, I never had it.” He glares at the stranger as he pulls the hood over his head. He tugs on the drawstrings, stumbling when he pulls too hard, only a small strand of hair poking through the clothing. Trembling fingers reach up to pull it apart, yet they keep missing the small crack.

The stranger is kind enough to help. He fixes the hood on his head and smiles. “You just did, and I’m guessing it kicked in.”

Ten stares at him. He’s much taller than him and Ten wonders how it would feel to crash against his chest and remain there forever. A tiny speck of sanity left knocks on his brain and he steals the joint back, sucking so hard his cheeks hollow out. The man licks his lips, seemingly enjoying the sight. He corners Ten against the railing in a way he doesn’t even notice until he’s returning the joint, metal cold even through the jeans.

“Uhm…”

The stranger tilts his head and kisses Ten’s lips. It’s a mix of pot and his repressed clinginess that make him wrap his arms around the man. He gives into the kiss like it’s the most natural thing to do, moaning when he feels his hands on his waist. His stupid heart swells with hopes again. He tries to fight it, tries to ignore it. Yet the loneliness has been his only companion for so long, he’s forgotten how good it feels to be touched.

When he pulls away, Ten hides into his chest.

“Please don’t leave me… Please… I don’t want to be alone. I don’t ever want to be alone again… Please…” His words come crashing like angry waves.

The stranger turns solid in front of him, palms still lingering on his waist, but Ten doesn’t notice his change of attitude. He curls his fingers into the fabric of the stranger’s jacket, knuckles turning white as he holds onto him. He doesn’t want him to disappear, doesn’t want to be abandoned again. Never again.

“… okay.” The stranger mumbles, hands long gone and frown on his face.

Ten takes it as a sign. It’s clear as daylight after all. Silently, he fixes the man’s jacket and pulls away. Not once does he look up.

“Sorry…I’m…I’m really sorry…”

“It's okay.” He rubs the back of his head, small smile on his lips. “Wanna talk about it?”

Ten shakes his head, pulls the hoodie tighter. “I should go.”

“Yeah… sure.”

Eyes fixated to the ground, Ten steps aside, slipping from his grasp. His heart is racing in fear of what he’s done. He wonders why he never thinks before he acts. Why is it so damn hard to learn that one thing that could save him? One thing that could spare him another ache, another black thought lingering in his mind. Another mistake.

“Jaehyun?” It’s a familiar voice and Ten stops to look up.

The man behind him turns around, sheepish smile on his lips. “Jeno, baby!”

“What's going on?” Jeno wears a frown. It’s deep and dark, and Ten can feel it on his skin.

“Nothing,” Jaehyun says nonchalantly, “I came out for a smoke. Forgot the lighter. He borrowed his.”

“Just that?”

“Just that.” Jaehyun walks around Ten. He stops in front of the other, long fingers running through Jeno’s hair. 

Ten feels sick to his stomach when Jeno turns to him. He swears there's a look of pure hatred in his eyes.

“What are you doing?” The question is aimed at him. Yet, Ten feels like he isn’t entirely there. It’s a feeling he cannot quite understand. As if a ghost of him is watching something that is already planned out completely. The only thing he can do is listen as a side character.

Jaehyun wraps an arm around Jeno's waist. He places a sweet kiss to his temple, height only a slight difference between the two. It only serves to make Ten feel more of an intruder than he already is, completely unaware of the gaze Jaehyun gives him.

“I asked you something.” Jeno snaps.

“W-what do you mean?” Ten didn’t mean to stutter, but he cannot deny he’s intimidated.

“I asked,” he pushes Jaehyun’s arm away and walks over, “what the fuck are you doing?”

"Jeno." Jaehyun warns.

Ten swallows hard. “What do you mean?”

“With my boyfriend, Ten.” His words are laced with annoyance and venom.

“You two know each other?” Jaehyun asks, eyebrows lifting.

If Ten had a grain of confidence in him, he would snap back. But all he can think about is Jeno’s face covered in tears. All he can remember is Jeno wanting to end his life just a week ago. His lips still tingle when he remembers the kiss they shared. His body trembles as he reminds himself of those warm palms travelling places they shouldn’t have.

Therefore, Ten does what he does best. He avoids and pretends. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” His voice comes out smaller than he intended.

Without another word, he strides across the roof to the opened door. The coldness and fear he’s trying to escape make his body shiver the moment he slips inside. But he doesn’t even reach the last floor when he feels a hand grabbing onto his shoulder. He gets turned around against his own will, back slamming against the wall with a loud thud. He gasps for air, eyes going wide as he stares at Jeno.

“Did you tell him anything?” Jeno hisses at him.

Ten shakes his head in panic. He glances at Jeno's hand fisting the collar of his hoodie, feels his blood turning icy cold.

“Good.” The grip loosens. 

Ten watches him, waiting for the perfect opportunity to escape. He misses the soft gaze Jeno has for him, misses the way Jeno's fingers brush over his hand. When he releases him fully, Ten doesn’t wait another moment before he runs down the stairs as fast as he can.

Ten tries not to think about what happened. He busies his mind and body with work and college. He focuses so hard his head hurts most of the days. Yet when it’s time to sleep, his mind is racing again.

He doesn’t go to the rooftop anymore. He opts for the beach walks instead. When it’s late at night and he cannot sleep, he makes his way over and ambles across the sand. It doesn’t really help with anything, but he’d still rather spend the night doing something relatively useful.

He doesn’t move from his stupor even when he gets fired from work.

“You did nothing wrong,” his boss had said. “It’s just that the business is running slow.”

Ten knows he did something wrong. The boss doesn’t want to be honest with him. Which, he thinks, is totally fine as he’s never honest with himself anyway. Why should others be?

He spends Saturday calculating the bills and planning the shopping list. He barely has enough money to cover it, but he’ll make ends meet. On Sunday he searches for a new job. Something different, he tells himself, something more exciting. He ends up getting a job in a grocery store. On Monday, he places toothpastes and toothbrushes in appropriate isles, along with other toiletries. The next day he’s moved to the food section. Unfortunately, he ends up spilling the salt all over the floor because the wrapper got ruptured. He gets a scolding from a manager and is back on toiletries the following day.

At least he gets Sundays off. He spends them working on his assignments since he doesn’t have much free time during the week now. No one calls him, no one texts him. As comforting as it is, it’s also making him feel like he’s the only person on the planet. One can have only a certain amount of fun alone.

On the second week at his new job, Ten encounters someone he hoped he’d never see again. He pretends he didn’t notice him, focusing solely on the Old Spice deodorants he’s lining up. But luck was never something that stuck with him.

“Excuse me,” Jeno asks in a sweet voice, gaze fixed on two packs of condoms he’s holding. “Which is better?”

Ten ignores him. He focuses on his deodorants. Maybe he goes away if he doesn’t give him attention.

“Excuse me?” Jeno is looking in his direction now. Ten knows because he feels his eyes glaring daggers into his back.

Curse him for being in a wrong place at wrong time. “Yes, sir?”

Jeno’s eyes look ridiculous as they widen in realization. Ten pretends he doesn’t know him.

“Ten?”

 _Fuck_. “How can I help you?”

“Uhm…” He clears his throat and steps closer. “I was wondering which are better?”

Ten looks at the condom packages. He certainly chose the right person to ask. He gives him a shrug in return.

Jeno blinks a few times. Then he’s on him. His lips curl into a smirk, eyes like cat’s. He takes another step closer and Ten finds himself backed up against his Old Spice shelf. Jeno purrs, palm coming to Ten’s waist.

If he could scream, he probably wouldn’t. He remains paralyzed under his touch, the warmth burning through the thin fabric of his polo shirt. It’s ridiculous how just small attention has him so riled up.

“Which do you prefer then?” Jeno asks low, lips brushing over Ten’s ear now.

He responds in a shiver he didn’t want to give. His mind is consuming thoughts he shouldn’t be having as Jeno’s warm palm slips under his shirt. He hates him for making him feel like that. He hates himself even more for giving in so easily. He’s just like a slut, ready to spread legs for whoever comes first. Except he doesn’t even need to be paid. Pathetic.

Jeno presses a lazy kiss to his neck, tongue trailing across a vein. His fingers hook to the waistband of Ten’s jeans, tugging him closer until their crotches meet.

“Why don’t you come over tonight?” His breath is warm against the wet spot on his neck. “So we pick the one you like better, hm?”

Before he even has a chance to respond, Jeno is off him. He shows him a wicked smirk as he walks away, both packages tossed into his shopping cart.

The moment he’s out of sight, Ten feels sick to his stomach. He rushes through the isles to the restroom. He expects to vomit the moment he locks himself inside, but the sour taste in his mouth gets replaced with tears running down his cheeks. He sits on the toilet lid and brings knees to his chest. He rocks himself back and forth for what seems forever until he finally calms down. He calls the manager and tells him he’s gotten sick. When he finally arrives to the comfort of his own four walls, Ten breaks down again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments are love :3
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/yuichi31664032)   
>  [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/yuichi31664032)


	3. Chapter 3

_III._

Ten blames it on the lack of warmth he received from humans. He blames it on the warmth he has received from humans. He blames it on the fucked-up world. But mostly, he blames himself for not being able to adjust.

He screams into the pillow, feeling the stiches on his heart ripping apart one by one.

He doesn’t understand why it’s so hard to talk to someone. Why it’s so hard to make a friend, and even harder to keep one. He doesn’t understand why people discard you once you aren’t needed, nor why people keep you around only when _they_ need _you_. Does he seem so emotionless? Can’t they understand he has feelings, too?

There are no more tears left to shed once he finally calms down. His eyes are red and puffy, throat burning from all the muffled screams. Absently, he wipes his face. He crawls from under the covers, clothes sticky with sweat and tears.

But before he can stumble into the bathroom, there’s a loud knock on his front door. Ten freezes, eyes going wide. He’s never had visitors. No one knows where he lives. Not that anyone would care anyway.

“Ten?”

He’s unable to recognize the voice. He sneaks over, making sure nothing gives him out.

“Ten, I know you’re in there. I’ve heard noises.”

He wonders what noises the person is talking about. As always, he’s made sure not to be heard. But maybe he didn’t pay enough attention. Maybe, a scream or two escaped.

“Let me in, please. I need to talk to you.”

For whatever ungodly reason, Ten unlocks the door and cracks it open. He peeks outside, meeting Jaehyun’s dishevelled appearance.

“Hi.” He flashes him a dimpled smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “We need to talk.”

Ten wonders if he’s found out about the rooftop kiss. Maybe he’s even seen the scene at the store. Yet the serious gaze in his eyes makes him open the door just a little more. Enough for Jaehyun to slip in and close it behind. Instinctively, Ten backs away. He scans the room for anything he could use in defence, yet nothing seems handy.

“Jeno wants you,” Jaehyun says.

Ten doesn’t respond. Instead, he turns small, hoping the other will magically disappear. He never wanted this. He never wanted any of this. So how did he even get in this mess?

“He wants to fuck you,” he tells him, keeping his gaze on Ten, “and he won’t stop talking about it until he has.”

Involuntarily, Ten shakes his head. “What’s wrong with you two?”

“You don’t want him?”

Ten stays silent again. For the life of him, he cannot lie.

“So," Jaehyun hums, "you do want him.” 

“But,” Ten looks at him bewildered, “he’s your boyfriend.”

“He is my boyfriend.” Jaehyun repeats, running his fingers through his hair. He looks around and heads to the fridge. He scans it and frowns when he doesn't find whatever he was looking for. "No beer?"

Ten shakes his head. He watches him curiously, unsure of what he's trying to do, to say.

"Jeno is a bit..." He trails off, closing the fridge door and leaning against it as he faces Ten again. 

“Suicidal?” Ten tries. “Crazy? Possessive?”

Jaehyun frowns. “Whatever made you think those things?”

“Because I found him at the rooftop,” he fumbles with the hem of his shirt, “he was trying to jump but changed his mind in the last second.”

“He wasn’t trying to jump.” Jaehyun says.

“Then how do you explain him standing on the other side of the railing?”

Jaehyun averts his gaze, bites on his bottom lip.

“I think he needs help.” Ten adds softly.

“I don’t know what to do…” It comes in a whisper. “I don’t know what to do anymore…”

“The doctors will know what to do. He needs a professional to talk to.” Ten says softly, hand reaching to touch him in comfort but realizing he's too far. It’s strange how he knows what to do with others but never with himself.

“I know…” Jaehyun looks up at him. “Did he try anything else?”

“What do you mean?”

“At the rooftop. What happened?”

“He wanted to jump,” Ten starts, “but he got back over. He hugged me and cried. Then we smoked.”

“…that’s it?” Jaehyun watches him intently and Ten wonders if he can see through him.

“T-that’s it.” He stutters and curses himself mentally, absently tugging on his shirt.

Jaehyun smiles. “He kissed you, didn’t he?”

“…yeah.”

“And he made you promise not to tell me.”

Ten nods once. His gaze drops to the floor. “But you kissed me too then…”

“I’m sorry,” Jaehyun says softly. “I guess I just wanted to get back to normal...”

“I am anything but.” Ten snorts and kicks an invisible stone on the floor.

Jaehyun watches him in silence. Then he steps closer until he’s in Ten’s personal space once again. He tenses up, staring directly at Jaehyun’s knees and not daring to look higher.

“What do you mean?”

“What do you mean what I mean?” Ten mumbles. He thinks he made a hole in the shirt from work he’s wearing. His new manager will murder him, but maybe it’s for the best.

“What do you mean when you say you’re anything but normal?” Jaehyun brushes a strand of hair from his forehead.

“Why are you interested in that? Can you please leave?” Ten steps away from him, frowning.

“No, I can't leave.” Jaehyun says softly, gaze focused on the top of Ten’s head. His fingers brush over Ten’s chin, gently tilting it up until Ten is looking towards him.

Except he’s looking anywhere but him. He focuses on the cracks on his ceiling painted white, glances at the dusty lamp. He swears he can count three dead bugs in there. Damn thing was set too high for him to reach, even when he grabs a chair to climb on.

“Look at me…” He feels Jaehyun’s breath caressing his cheek. It makes him tense up. It feels too intimate. This is something two lovers do, not two strangers. Never two strangers.

He leans closer, the tips of his fingers burning into the thin skin on his chin. Ten swallows hard, feeling nausea rising in his stomach. The only thing going through his mind is to run away. But it's his place and running away doesn’t seem like an option.

Jaehyun’s lips are soft against his. They taste like mint chocolate and summer breeze. Ten loves and hates it at the same time. The kiss stays innocent, Jaehyun’s tongue gently brushing over Ten’s bottom lip but not seeking further. When he pulls away, Ten hates himself for missing the closeness.

“Did you like it?” Jaehyun whispers. He’s so close Ten can feel his warm breath over his moist lips. A shiver runs down his spine. “I take it you did…”

“N-no…” He manages, squeezing eyes shut so he doesn’t have to face him.

“You did,” Jaehyun says and buries his fingers into Ten’s hair. He pulls him close, Ten’s face disappearing against his chest. It feels so nice he might cry. “I want to kiss you again. Just kiss. We don’t have to do anything else. We can just kiss.”

Ten doesn’t know what he told him. He doesn’t remember what he did to initiate the situation he's in right now. But Jaehyun is on top of him, body pressed flush against his. He kisses him like there’s no tomorrow, like he’s his own oxygen and Ten relishes in the attention. When Jaehyun pulls away for the second time, Ten wishes he would never leave him. He plays with his hair, nuzzles into his chest. He hears Jaehyun chuckle, his deep voice rumbling and sending waves of warmth through him.

“So clingy.” Ten tenses up at his words.

“Sorry,” he mumbles, pulling away and avoiding to face him. His lips are still burning.

Jaehyun sits up, watching him closely. “I didn’t mean it as a bad thing. I was just observing.”

Ten nods in response, absently fixing the hem of his shirt. It rode up during their rendezvous. It makes him feel ashamed of what he’d just done.

There’s shifting on the bed, Jaehyun’s body closing the distance between them once more. Then, Jaehyun hugs him. He hugs him so close, so tight, Ten feels like he’s the most important person in the universe. His warmth radiates into him, the embrace so intimate it might just make his heart burst with joy. It takes him a moment to realize he’s not hugging him back. His arms snake around Jaehyun’s neck and Ten buries his face into a small spot between his collarbone and neck. He inhales deeply, nose filling up with the scent of something musky and sweet.

Jaehyun doesn’t pull away even when Ten thinks it’s been enough. It had turned awkward in a way: Jaehyun’s fingers soothingly running through his hair in repetitive motion as Ten focuses on his heartbeat. It hits evenly, not once missing a beat. When Ten moves to pull away, Jaehyun pulls him even closer. He leaves a kiss on his temple and Ten feels his cheeks burning. A small smile creeps to his lips as he hides deeper into the man holding him.

He’ll allow himself this joy just this once. He’ll allow himself to feel loved and cherished, even if he knows Jaehyun feels nothing of the sort towards him. But it’s nice to imagine. It’s nice to daydream. And just this once, Ten allows the warmth to engulf his body in a safe embrace, darkness inside him screaming in agony. It dies just for this short moment, and Ten feels pure happiness.

When Jaehyun pulls away, the night has already fallen over the city. Ten can barely distinguish his frame in the dark. He cannot see the expression in his eyes, cannot see whether his lips are tilted upwards or not. But he doesn’t care. Because he’s smiling. His cheeks are burning, palms are sweaty, heart racing wild. He’s feeling what he’s promised himself never to feel again. He knows what he’s doing is dangerous. He knows Jaehyun could smash his heart in any moment.

“Do you want to come up?” Jaehyun breaks the silence, fingers ghosting over Ten’s thighs.

It wakes him from his mind. “Is Jeno…?”

“Yeah, he’s home.”

Home. He cannot recall how that feels.

“He won’t be upset,” Jaehyun says softly, “if that’s what’s worrying you.”

“How can you be sure?” Ten’s voice comes in a whisper, gaze dropping to his lap.

“If you want,” Jaehyun touches his chin again, “we won’t tell him about the kiss.”

“…okay.” Sudden realization strikes him. He made Jaehyun cheat again. Just like he made Jeno cheat. Again.

“You can kiss him,” Jaehyun says abruptly, “you can sleep with him. You can do whatever you want with him.”

Ten frowns. “That sounds like you own him…”

“I don’t want you to feel guilty when he tries something again. I’m okay with it. I’m okay with you two messing around.” Jaehyun presses a long kiss against Ten’s lips. “As long as we do that too.”

Ten doesn’t understand what Jaehyun is asking of him. His frown deepens, pulling away from him. “I think you should go.”

Jaehyun stays silent for a moment. Then he’s standing up, fixing his clothes. Ten cannot see his face but he’s guessing he’s angry. Everyone always is. He towers over him, fingers running through Ten’s hair.

“Goddamnit.” He hisses and smashes their lips together. Ten yelps as Jaehyun’s teeth capture his bottom lip, biting on it until there’s metallic taste in his mouth. It makes him whimper, makes him arch his back. Jaehyun sucks on his lip, trails his tongue over it before pulling away. He stands there for a moment as Ten does his best to catch his breath, palms coming to cover his lips.

Then he’s turning around, taking long steps towards the door. Ten half expects him to slam them shut, but Jaehyun is gentle. Just like he was gentle with him. Ten isn’t sure what happened, the only reminder the heavy taste of blood on his tongue.

There’s faint yelling coming from outside as Ten locks his door. He takes a cold shower to cool his nerves, his heated body. If Jaehyun’s soft side made him feel alive, then Jaehyun’s forcefulness made him feel like he’s gone to hell. It makes him hate himself for enjoying it so much.

When he hits the bed, Ten feels on the edge. He feels like he’s shaking from within, feels like his heart might give out on him. He clenches his jaw, swallows hard as he stares into the vast darkness in his room. Then it’s all too much and he’s jumping out. He feels the shivers coming alive, watches his hands shake. He balls them into fists, closes his eyes tight and decides to count to hundred. It doesn’t help. He gives up around forty-four, opting for pacing around the apartment instead.

By the time the sun rises again, Ten feels like walking death. His life feels like shit, so this doesn’t really make a difference. Except now his eyes are burning, whole body feels sluggish as he fixes the toiletries. He messes up twice, getting scolded by the manager each time. The only thing he hopes is that his body would be too tired for gibberish and allow him to rest tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know what you think ^^ comments are loooove
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/yuichi31664032)   
>  [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/yuichi31664032)


	4. Chapter 4

_IV_

It goes on for a week. He lies in bed, curls under warm covers and closes his eyes. And then it starts. The trembles, the fear crawling over his skin and gnawing at his bones. He feels like fainting, feels like throwing up. It makes him cry and scream. It makes him imagine things one should never imagine.

His skin had turned paler than usual. His lips lost their vibrant redness, and his eyes lost the shine. Not that he really had any fire in him left. The dark circles under his eyes have become more prominent, his steps heavier each day.

On Saturday evening, Ten feels like the walls of his apartment are closing in on him. He feels like they will trap him in suffocating silence and loneliness.

He grabs his jacket and slips into shoes. He doesn’t plan to but he ends up running towards the beach. Strangely, no one is around. Maybe it’s because the wind has picked up, thunder roaring in the distance. As much as Ten hates the storms, he hates his mind more. So he sits down, takes off his shoes and buries his feet in the sand. It’s still warm from the day.

He takes in deep breaths, eyes focused on the night in front of him. A lightning connects to the ocean, creating a somewhat magical scenery. Ten doesn’t want to leave. He doesn’t know where to go.

There’s shuffling behind him and a person drops next to him. They wrap an arm around his shoulders, giggling and smelling of alcohol. It takes Ten a moment too long to decipher who it is. A pair of cool lips attack his, the taste of beer heavy on them.

Shocked, Ten pushes the person away, stumbling to his feet and ready to run. But Jeno is whining, lying on his back with legs in the air.

“Why did you do that?” He asks, sitting up with a grunt.

“You…you kissed me!” Ten glares at him, wrapping arms around himself protectively.

“So?” Jeno scoffs. “I kissed you before too and didn’t hear you complaining then.”

Ten parts his lips to protest, but doesn’t know what to say. So he pulls them into a thin line and glares at the blond in front of him.

Jeno flashes him a lazy smile. “Besides…I know you fucked with Jaehyun.”

“I didn’t!” Ten yells, his voice followed by a distant rumble. “I didn’t do that with him!”

“Then what did you do with my Jaehyunie?” Jeno hums. He leans back on his elbows, legs stretched out.

“I…” Ten swallows hard, looking away. “I didn’t… I…”

“Hmm?”

“We just kissed.” He admits in a voice barely above whisper.

Jeno clicks his tongue. “Where did he touch you?”

“What?” Ten frowns. “Nowhere! We kissed, I told you.”

“He came back _very_ frustrated, you know?” Jeno sucks in a breath. “I had to deal with the mess you made.”

Ten's face turns red. A part of him is curious about the two, wondering who turns more dominant in the bedroom. His first assumption is Jaehyun, but then he remembers Jeno's touches and he really isn't sure anymore. Frankly, he has no idea why he's interested in something like this in the first place. 

“I’m not angry.” Jeno says softly. He keeps his gaze on Ten for a moment, then lies down. He places his arms under his head, staring at the clouds above them.

Ten feels ashamed. If he could, he would apologise. But the problem is, Ten doesn’t feel sorry. Jaehyun made him feel good, and he enjoyed it quite a lot.

“Come sit with me.” Jeno’s voice is soft.

Ten looks at him, notices him watching back. He swallows hard before sitting down. He’s like a statue next to him, arms still protectively wrapped around his frame. Jeno sits up and wiggles over sand until he’s behind him. His arms slip around Ten’s waist, pulling him against his chest. Ten doesn’t protest for the warmth of another person is something he needs but doesn’t want. He ends up leaning back, feeling Jeno’s chin over his shoulder.

“He told me he came over to tell you I want you.” Jeno murmurs, his breath warm over Ten’s cheek. “But then you seemed sad or something. You don’t want me?”

Ten doesn’t know how to respond again. He flinches when the thunder gets louder, refusing to close his eyes just because he can.

“Do you want me, Ten?” Jeno’s breath is now on his neck.

Ten clenches his jaw, doing his best to keep his breathing in control. It takes all willpower not to give himself out when Jeno begins sucking on his collarbone. His tongue flicks over the skin, teeth grazing as Jeno’s fingers dig into his waist. They creep under his shirt, just like they did weeks ago on the rooftop.

Reluctantly, Ten gives into the touches. They make him forget, make his mind fuzzy with sensations much better than the prison he’s trapped in. Jeno’s fingers travel up. He touches his chest, pinches his nipples and Ten bites his lip to keep himself silent. Then he’s biting harder into his neck and Ten lets out a small whimper. It’s mixed with pain, pleasure and need. If he could, he would give in.

But he can't. It’s too hard to rely on someone. Too hard to trust someone. The attention he’s been given by the couple is otherworldly, but Ten knows it won’t last. He knows he’s only fooling himself, allowing them to make an idiot out of him, too.

Jeno’s hand travels lower, slips past the hem of his sweatpants. His nimble fingers tug on the briefs, as if waiting for permission they draw circles over smooth skin, traveling lower and cupping him over the thin fabric.

Ten has never been touched like this by another person. He doesn’t know how to react, doesn’t know if he should allow him more or push him away. But he feels himself growing stiff with his ministrations, bites back a moan when Jeno's fingers find the tip of his member. The briefs have gotten wet with precum, his knees parting and allowing Jeno to do more, touch more.

He forgets about the thunder now roaring above their heads. He forgets about the cold wind slipping inside his clothes. All he feels, all he knows is that Jeno's fingers are wrapped around him, giving him long, warm caresses, thumb occasionally swiping over the tip. Ten’s head drops back on Jeno’s shoulder, legs spreading farther and back arching. He reaches with his trembling fingers for the other, tries to get him closer. He’s not close enough. No one is ever close enough. Yet, Ten keeps pushing everyone away.

“Cute…” Jeno breathes over his lips, eyes hooded with something Ten doesn’t understand.

Ten swallows hard, cheeks reddening. He tilts his head more, purses his lips as he seeks his. Jeno grins and presses them together, squeezing him roughly. It makes Ten’s hips buck, makes him pull away before he’s even felt Jeno’s lips properly. He hides into his neck, trembling from sensation, his breath coming out in a low moan. 

Jeno chuckles behind him. He pulls him closer with the free hand as the other one slows down to a stop. Carefully, he pulls it out and tastes him. He groans, Ten’s eyes widening as Jeno licks the cum off his fingers.

The rain starts pouring over them. They’re soaked to skin in a heartbeat, yet Jeno’s closeness keeps him warm. He turns towards him, curls into his chest as his arms wrap around Jeno’s neck. Jeno keeps him close, shielding him with his body.

“Is this okay? Am I okay? Why did you do that? You didn’t have to… It’s weird…I taste bad, don’t I?” Ten trembles, from cold and worry and all the new sensations Jeno provided him with.

Jeno hums. “You worry too much. No one’s cum tastes good.”

“Are you sure?” Ten mumbles, fingers now curling into Jeno’s shirt. It feels smooth under his fingers. He pulls away, realizing only now the other is dressed in silk. The dirty pink of his suit fits his porcelain skin so well Ten wonders if he’s even human.

“Jaehyun tastes horrible,” Jeno says, “I keep telling him to eat more pineapple, but bitch won’t listen to me.”

“Pineapple?”

“Apparently it makes cum taste good.” Jeno shrugs and looks at him. “Never tried it, though.”

Ten gets this wild idea to only eat pineapples from now on.

“We’ll catch a cold if we stay here,” Jeno says softly, pulling away from him.

Ten remains seated even when Jeno stands up. He doesn’t want to go back, doesn’t want to feel trapped again. He shivers in the cold, lips turning purple.

“Come on.” Jeno grabs his hand and pulls him up. Ten wonders if he weighs less than a feather. “Walk with me.”

Jeno leads him to his own apartment. Ten discovers it’s much brighter than his own even if they’re in the same building. There isn’t much colour, mostly black, white and grey tones. Clothes are scattered across the floor and sofa, a pile of unwashed dishes in the sink, spiderweb behind the shoe stack.

“We don’t really clean much,” Jeno says. It doesn’t sound like an apology, more of a fact he’s long ago accepted.

He shows him where the bathroom is. Ten locks the door once he’s inside, peeling the drenched clothes off himself. Warm water brings life back into his frozen limbs. It washes the cum from his thighs, bringing back the pleasure and embarrassment to his mind.

When he’s done, he wraps himself into a fluffy bathrobe Jeno gave him. He steps outside and notices music coming from somewhere. It’s smooth and sexy, and Ten makes sure the bathrobe is tied tightly.

Jeno walks past him, body as bare as if he'd just been born. Ten’s face heats up, averting his gaze from Jeno’s firm ass to the floor under his feet. He clears his throat to announce his presence, but Jeno doesn’t hear him. He’s too busy digging through the fridge.

With gaze fixated to the floor, Ten follows him into the kitchen. “Thanks for the bathrobe…”

Jeno turns towards him, smiling. “No problem. Wanna eat something?”

“I should get going…I don’t want to disturb.”

“You’re not.” Jeno says and closes the fridge. He walks around the counter and stops in front of him. Ten snaps his head up, finding ceiling the most interesting thing in the world now. It’s white, just like his. “Jaehyun won’t come back until late. Be my company for tonight.”

“Uhm…I…” Ten doesn’t know what to respond to that.

Jeno’s fingers find his, gently locking them together. “Why won’t you look at me?”

Ten swallows hard. “You’re… uhm…”

“Naked?” There’s amusement in his voice and Ten feels his cheeks burning.

“Yeah…”

“So?”

Ten keeps mum, eyes glued to the ceiling. There’s a small black spot there. Probably a bug.

Jeno smirks and presses Ten’s palms against his bare chest. He slips them lower, allowing Ten to feel him up. His abdomen is firm and it makes Ten’s mind wander again.

“Want me to go lower?” Jeno teases, stepping closer and keeping his hand just above his lower half.

Ten tries to pull his hand away and whimpers when Jeno keeps it in place. “I… Uhm… We…”

Jeno shakes his head and lets go of his hand. Ten quickly buries both hands into the bathrobe pockets, hoping Jeno won’t try something weird again. But he should have known better because Jeno is tugging on the bathrobe belt, pulling it out entirely. He does his best to remain covered, yelping when Jeno yanks his arms away.

“Strip.” It’s a command. Ten hears it loud and clear, his whole body telling him to obey.

He shakes his head in response, trying his best to remain covered even though he knows the other can see everything.

Jeno hums, eyes narrowing. In a heartbeat, Jeno yanks the bathrobe off him. He throws it on the other end of the living room and pulls Ten into a warm embrace. The feeling of someone’s body against his is crazy. The feeling of someone’s naked body against his own bare self is even crazier.

Jeno’s skin is velvety soft to touch. Ten wants nothing less than to stare him up and down. But that small amount of sanity still lingering around is telling him to control himself. Yet, the proximity of Jeno’s body against his is slowly but surely suffocating all sanity left.

“Ten?”

“Yeah?” Ten is grateful his voice doesn't give him out.

“What’s on your mind?” Jeno has his arms wrapped around his neck, voice breathy over his ear.

Ten would love to answer. But he himself isn’t sure what’s going on in his mind right now. He wants to touch him but hates himself for even thinking about it. He wants to kiss him but cannot find the willpower to do it. He wants to jump off the roof to end his pathetic self but also wants to keep fighting for whatever reason there is.

“Earth to Ten,” Jeno murmurs, playing with his wet locks. “Tell me what you’re thinking about.”

“I… I don’t know.”

Jeno is quiet for a moment. “Want to know what I’m thinking about?”

“…okay.”

“I’m thinking about…” He hums, burying his face into Ten’s hair. “How your hair smells like Jaehyun’s… How warm your body feels against mine. I like how you’re so small and you disappear when I hug you. And how soft your skin is…”

Ten doesn’t know what to say to that. He only feels his ears heating up.

His voice turns deeper when he speaks again. “I’m also thinking about how much I want to put my leg between your knees again. I want to tease you and touch you until you get hard again. I want to suck you off… And I want to get inside you…” He pulls him closer, breathing into Ten’s ear. “I want to fuck you slow… I want to make you moan… To see you come undone under me. And all you have to do is say yes, Ten… I’ll give you everything you need. I’ll be anything you need… Just say yes, baby.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i changed the rating to explicit because sometimes the stories prefer to take a life of their own.  
> also, i know i've said it's going to be around 5 chapters, but it's looking more like 10-ish? 
> 
> thank you for reading!
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/yuichi31664032)   
>  [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/yuichi31664032)


	5. Chapter 5

_V._

Ten wakes up in a mess of tangled limbs. His face is buried in Jaehyun’s chest while Jeno is clinging onto him from behind like a koala. He feels his steady breathing against his back, hears Jaehyun’s gentle heartbeat against his ear. It feels warm and safe, and Ten is on the verge of falling apart.

He has no memory of how he got into their bed. The last thing he remembers are Jeno’s fingers threading through his hair. It soothed his trembles and eased his mind into dreamless slumber.

He doesn’t want to wake them so he doesn’t move. Instead, he focuses on their closeness. There’s an odd feeling inside of him. It’s light and warm and all things fuzzy. Ten wonders if it’s something that will bring him ruin.

Jaehyun wakes up around an hour later. He stretches and yawns before looking down. His fingers gently run through Ten’s hair, making him look up. Jaehyun smiles, eyes puffy from sleep.

“Hey.” His voice is rough.

Ten swallows before answering. “Hi.”

“Slept well?” He tucks a strand behind his ear, caressing his cheek after. Ten melts into the touch and feels guilty.

“I did…” He murmurs, closing his eyes at the feeling. “You?”

“I slept well too.” Jaehyun smiles and brushes his thumb over his bottom lip. “Did you have fun with Jeno?”

Ten stares at him like deer caught in headlights.

“He let me rub him.” Jeno murmurs, looking up at the duo. “The noises he makes are delicious.”

“Yeah?” Jaehyun chuckles.

“Mmhmm,” Jeno’s arm sneaks around Ten’s waist, pulling him closer. “Can we keep him?”

“Jeno…”

Ten feels sick. He swallows down the bitter taste in his mouth. He doesn’t know what to say. They make him feel like he’s their plaything and it cuts deeper than he should allow it.

“What’s going through your mind now?” Jaehyun asks, watching him carefully.

Ten frowns at the question, anger and confusion mixing together.

“Ten?” Jeno peeks at him over his shoulder.

“This is not right, I should go.” Ten murmurs, tugging Jeno’s arms off himself but he only holds him firmer. “Let go.”

“No.”

“If he doesn’t want to be here, let him go.” Jaehyun pulls away and sits up.

“No.” Jeno climbs on top of Ten and pins him down with his weight. “He’ll run away again.”

“Again? What?” Ten struggles. “Get off me!”

Jeno frowns. He cups his cheeks and presses a long kiss to Ten’s lips. Immediately, Ten grows still. It’s the first time one of them kissed him before the other. Ten is sure everything will come crashing down the moment Jeno pulls away. But Jeno trails his lips to his neck, sucking on the skin like he did last night.

Ten’s eyes meet Jaehyun’s. He expects to see anger in them. Frustration or jealousy even. But there is nothing of the sort. Instead, Jaehyun’s eyes show him an emotion he doesn’t recognize, lips slightly parted as he stares back at him. Ten looks away, palms coming to Jeno’s shoulders to push him away.

When Jeno looks up at him, Ten is unable to face him. He keeps his gaze on the window, staring at the blue sky behind glass. “Why are you doing this?”

“Doing what?” Jeno asks.

“Kissing me, touching me…” Ten mumbles. He feels his eyes burning but he refuses to show weakness.

“Because I want to.” Jeno replies simply.

“What about Jaehyun?” He squares his jaw and closes his eyes. The wound in his chest is widening, the pain searing through his heart and leaving him gasping for breath.

“I want you too.” Jaehyun says. He steps closer and sits on the edge of the bed. His fingers brush a stray tear running down Ten’s cheek.

“No, I mean,” Ten swallows hard and forces himself to look at them. “What about each other? Why do you want me when you already have one another? Why would you touch and kiss a stranger when you have a lover?”

Jaehyun and Jeno remain silent, watching him. Ten lets out a laugh. He’s come between two people who care about one another and destroyed them. He really is the worst.

He manages to push Jeno off himself and sit up. Unfortunately, he discovers he’s naked. “Where are my clothes?”

“You don’t get it, do you?” Jeno scowls.

“Get what?”

“The affection we have for you.”

This time Ten turns silent. He frowns, looking at him like he’s grown another head.

“Jaehyun has been watching you, you know?” Jeno starts, sitting cross-legged on the bed.

“Jeno,” Jaehyun warns, “don’t.”

“Watching me?” Ten feels threatened. He tugs on the covers as if they’d magically protect him.

Jeno sighs and runs fingers through his blond locks. His hair appears to be sparkling under the morning sun. “We’ve been trying to approach you again for a whole damn year, Ten. And now when we finally managed, you’re trying to push us away.”

“What do you mean?” Ten stares at him. “You’re not making any sense. I’ve never seen you in my life!”

When Ten glances in Jaehyun’s direction he notices he’s stiff, as if his body is made of fine marble. His gaze is set upon Ten, his fingers curled into fists as if trying to control his emotions. In the end, he lets out a groan and rummages through the top drawer of his side’s nightstand. He pulls out a plastic package and rolling paper. He fixes what Ten recognizes as a joint in no time, trembling fingers holding a lighter as he takes greedy inhales. When he exhales, eyes closed and smoke slipping past his lips like liquid carbon dioxide, Ten looks away.

“What’s going on?” He whispers, pulling the covers closer so he can hide his bare chest.

“We’ve tried before too.” Jeno says softly, brushing a strand of loose hair from Ten’s eyes. “It’s just when I saw you on that roof—"

“It’s so hard to fucking resist you.” Jaehyun cuts in and when Ten looks at him, he’s taking another inhale. “So hard to keep away from you.”

Ten’s head feels like someone is hammering nails into it. It’s spinning with all the new information, making him wonder just how much they know about him. He feels like he just fell into his stalkers’ nest and he swears he would run if only he had a pair of pants on himself.

Jaehyun’s laugh cuts through his train of thoughts. “You really have no idea who I am, do you?”

Ten stares at him, fear dancing in his eyes.

“I’m doctor Jung Jaehyun.” He takes another inhale. “The one who got you to ER and pumped out your stomach when you drank too much. The one who fixed the cuts on your ribcage you inflicted yourself.”

Ten’s face turns as white as snow, fingers automatically touching the scars he knows he has but doesn’t remember getting.

“God, I’m going to lose my job.” Jaehyun runs his fingers through his dirty pink hair. “Again. I did the same mistake again.”

“I’m sorry.” Jeno murmurs and when Ten looks at him, he sees him staring at Jaehyun apologetically. “We can move again.”

“What’s going on?” Ten repeats, feeling like he might faint any moment. “What are you talking about?”

“Two years ago,” Jaehyun takes a drag and walks over to the balcony. He slides open the glass door and flicks the smoke over the railing. His gaze travels to the street and Ten suddenly feels so distant to him. “I found you stumbling through the street, beer in one hand, bloody knife in the other. You were laughing and screaming how happy you are…”

Ten tries to remember, eyebrows furrowed in focus. But not a single thing comes to his mind. “I don’t remember…”

Jeno sighs next to him. He touches his hand and moves closer, pressing a small kiss to his temple. Ten frowns, pushing him away.

“I brought you to the hospital and fixed you up. And when no one was looking, I did the stupidest mistake a doctor can make,” Jaehyun turns his focus to him, small smile on his lips, “I brought you home.”

“You were with us for a year, Ten.” Jeno murmurs, trying to touch him again. “We dated. All three of us. You were so happy, Ten, so full of life…”

“Then you just disappeared one day,” Jaehyun says solemn, “and when you came back, you didn’t remember us anymore.”

Ten shakes his head. “No. No, you’re lying. I don’t know you.”

“Show him.” Jaehyun says softly, extinguishing the smoke against the outside wall and exhaling. He steps back inside, bare feet against wooden flooring. “Show him the photographs, Jeno.”

Jeno seems reluctant for a moment, glancing between the two. Eventually, he stands up and walks outside. Ten pulls the covers over himself as Jaehyun stares at him. He scoots away when Jaehyun sits next to him, shrinking when he runs his fingers through his hair.

“God, I wish you could love us again as much as we love you.” He whispers and Ten notices his eyes glistening with unshed tears.

He feels bile rising in his throat once again, his mind burning with things he doesn’t understand. He gets up suddenly, covers slipping from his lean frame. “My clothes…” He croaks out.

Jaehyun stands up and opens the closet. He picks a pair of sweatpants and a shirt before tossing them to him. Ten pulls them on, a part of his mind wondering how they fit so well to his body. He brushes it off, though, and hurries towards the door. He almost bumps into a surprised Jeno on his way and manages to slip around him.

“Are you letting him go?” Jeno asks in disbelief, holding framed photographs in his arms.

Jaehyun leans against the dresser, gaze set on the floor.

Jeno scoffs and hurries to the front door. He manages to grab Ten’s wrist, pulling him away from the door. Some frames drop to the floor, glass shattering among their feet. Jeno still moves to stop him when he struggles, the shards cutting into skin.

“Fucking wait!” He yells, yanking him until he almost falls.

Ten looks at him, eyes wide and crazy in fear. The only thing on his mind is to escape the two psychopaths. But then Jeno shoves a frame in his hands, followed by another.

“Do you recognize the man?” Jeno snaps. “Can’t you see it’s you?!”

Ten clenches his jaw and glances at the photographs. There are three men in the first one. Jaehyun is in the middle, a broad smile on his lips, while on each side of him there’s another person, kissing each cheek. Ten recognizes Jeno, his hair a dark brown, one arm wrapped around Jaehyun’s waist. But it’s the third man he struggles recognizing. His hair is short, coloured in a mix of silver and blue, lips pressed to Jaehyun’s dimpled cheek. There are piercings on his ear, a sparkle in his eye.

He hears Jeno sniffle and he looks up. He wipes the tears from his face and forces a smile in his direction. “Look at the second one.”

Ten feels his hands shaking when he looks at the other photograph. In this one he recognizes himself straight away. He’s the one with short hair, the one smiling the brightest as his eyes form crescents. Jeno and Jaehyun are laughing as well, their arms wrapped around Ten’s waist. The amount of happiness radiating from the photograph he’s holding seems unrealistic. He shakes his head, the frames slipping from already trembling fingers. They shatter, joining the others on the floor.

“You’re lying…” He whispers, mind spinning.

“We’re not lying.” Jaehyun says and Ten sees him leaning against the bedroom doorframe.

Ten runs out before they have a chance to stop him. He runs down the stairs, legs trembling so much he’s waiting for the moment they give out on him. There’s an agonizing scream coming from the floor he just left and Ten feels himself supressing a cry of his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait, i've kinda been rewriting this for the past two months haha
> 
> thank you for reading! comments feel like christmas :3
> 
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>  [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/yuichi31664032)


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